A Not Even Once Odyssey

Matthew B.

Methamphetamine use is a gateway into a horror that you can never return from, of which there is no guide. No teacher, and no instructor. A world that exists for radical extemist’s that torture your mind, and illegal distribution for max profit Like Super labs disguised as fertilizer plants. It is a proven fact that first-time use is one of the most enjoyable sensations a human body can endore before a massive heart attack. The mind tricks you into thinking your having fun, and your brain is running much faster making talking and activity’s much more enjoyable, but honestly the “Not Even Once.” takes into effect right after first-time use, because you shouldn’t have even done it. Now Your brain waves (Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Omega, and Theta) are raised to a national security danger level and according to artificial intelligence that runs top secret elevated brain wave corrections services once this happens you are on the quote, unquote “radar.” and is now considered a subject by government standards. You let in the beast some people call them demons. There are entities out there that profit from you ruining your life. If you hadn't even used it once “Not even once.” you would be up for auction to the highest bidder because you just had to have a little taste of methamphetamine. Oh look at YOU. your just a cute little girl that likes to party. Now you're in a Polaris ATV Box on its was to Toronto Canada., next stop only God knows where. Now your life as a subject is a lot different, from the life you once knew. more complex with alternate universes on top of delusional fantasies, and suicidal hallucinations that cause you to grid your teeth till they break and twitch till your feet bleed. But it's ok! Because your brain keeps remembering the first time making you relive a past universe that does not exist because you were part of a Delusion that only you can relate to. you don't even exist as a subject runoff, and diagnosed with a brain disorder, but remember after that first time use because your brain running that much faster you can think all your problems away. And by not sleeping with those terrorists that are trying to kill, they won't succeed. Maybe you even have a problem with the feds. No Problem! Methamphetamine is got your back. A delusional fantasy awaits packed with hallucinations, that will make the experience that much more thrilling. Maybe your trip down memory lane makes you think you an undercover Agent and maybe a little methamphetamine will put you top of your game, like steriods. “Not Even Once.” You throw away that opportunity, and the only thing that awaits you is a DOC sentence because remember the State has to make there money too off the illegal drug referred to as Meth.

There are a lot of serious complications one’s life will encounter using illegal street drugs. The worst has got to be overdosing, or Suicide. Second is a Sentence to the Department of corrections, but the Law only takes into effect when you're using it to the point of harming yourself by injecting it into your bloodstream or harming the community with your tweaker-like behavior. Third would have to be a diagnosis from a doctor or a Department of Health and human service sanction. This New Mental health Diagnosis depends on what you discussed with local physicians in your area. Schizophrenia and Bio-polar disorder are the top 5 Meth related diagnose that you could be hit with, and yes this new Diagnose affects your life in a negative way and does not make you popular. Stigma won't have popular cool tweakers on his block. The fourth worst complication your social standings are on the verge of a meltdown because of something you did or didn’t say to your Bishop/ Church minister. But Trust this not everybody thinks you tweaking. Its just in your head, and on methamphetamine, your Mind is not your friend. Once you start getting telemarketing calls you know the Non-Profits, and Mormons are attempting to ruin your social standing. Because you had to try Methamphetamine. That's why again. “Not even Once.” The Fifth terror factor. Your credit goes to shit because you just took a huge loan out on a vehicle because the voice in your head told you; you deserve to have a phat ride and the car dealer knew you were high but sold the car to anyway for that Montana DUI Mega Slush Fund. Now Johny what's you to fail, and he’s having sex with your girlfriend? And if you a good driver they just have the realtor get ahold of you. take your down payment, and throw you in jail because you had to try Methaphiomine. 6th would have to be family ties starting to break. Don’t let it get this far. Say No! Because most Teens, People, any one with a human heart and mind don’t see it must further than this and you commit suicide, another reason why the State intervenes in your life. To save you from yourself, and the community around your Terrorizing your existence and the Goblins torturing your Mind. My names Matt I’m 39 yrs old Diagnosed with Schizophrenia, have a probation officer, paying restitution, and recovering from Methamphetamine use since Dec 28th 2018. Life goes on after the first use but building Stigma’s trust takes a lifetime. “Not Even Once.”

July 10th 2017- The Day I Fell

Alli K.

The day I first injected methemphetamine. I fell in love with the monster and dances with it until I was numb from all emotions. Ignored all the signs of broken families, bodies, and minds. I fell so deeply in love and wanted to feel nothing. Meth used this as ammo for its loaded fun to hold me hostage. Disguised abuse as love. I abandoned my soul in a ditch and did things id never ever do. Meth ruined my life. I'm two months sober, never ever touching it again. I want to teach about meth use, so nobody makes the mistakes I've made. You can overcome this addiction. You're worth so much more than a needle, a bowl, a line.

if nothing changes...

Millie S.

I've always had an addictive personality. I started at the age 12, first with cigarettes, than alcohol, than marijuana, mushrooms, and eventually meth. I was an addict for 11 years. That is most of my children's lives. It destroyed my family, knocked us down, broke us up. I was in too deep and I knew I could no longer control anything. I prayed that the DEA and FBI would break down my door and yank me back from the gates of Hell. Finally, March 12, 2015, my walls came crashing down, SEA arrested my husband, my kids placed in foster care, my dog taken to the pound, and because of a suspected meth lab, my electricity was shut off. I knew at that moment I needed help. For the second time in my life, I went to rehab. It wasn't quite enough, when my husband was released we relapsed. I needed accountability. I showed up at the social worker's office and begged for a drug test almost daily. It's what I had to do to have any contact with my kids. A month went by, the sheriff's office came and arrested me for conspiracy to a meth lab. I am so grateful to be a convicted felon, it saved my life. I was starting to literally deteriorate. I didn't know who I was up to that point. My sobriety birthday is 5-15-15. Now I am a general service representative in a 12 step program, I carry the message to those who still suffer. I am also enrolled in college for my bachelors degree to become a licensed addictions counselor so I can reach so many others. Last week I lost a brother n law to alcohol, this morning I lost a very close friend to meth. The way I live is simple, work the steps OR die!! There is not an easier softer way. I'm a survivor, you can be too! You don't have to go through this alone, I have a wonderful sponsor and an amazing support team. My family is back together and my husband and I are stronger than ever. I couldn't have asked for a better life than the one I have now!

I step into the pool

Macy N.

“I step into the pool, it's cold waters embracing me
I embrace them back, for a change in my life was needed
I needed to get away from the hot, sweaty, desolate lonely nights that kept me from sleeping
A voice in my head tells me, "swim up. You don't have much air left"
But I ignore it, I'm not letting anyone, not even my own self stop me this time
I sink down, deeper and deeper, knowing that my time to disappear is awaiting me
At this moment I realized that what I had wanted this whole time was to be saved
The pool had been my addiction, I submerged myself daily in the needles and the tar, the depth had been my loneliness, I was sinking so far. “

June 11th 2015

Marya M.

June 11th 2015
Is the day I lied to my mom and told her I was clean
Its also the day I grabbed a glass Dick
Took a toke and it took me up a little bit
Although I didn't know
With that little blow
My whole world would change
My talking
My actions
My heart and my soul
It all dramatically started to show
I got angry
I got mad
At what anyone would have said
Because I knew i was wrong and being mislead
Soon introduced to an ex-fellow friend
You can tell he was lagging
Because he taught me how to Chase The Dragon
Oh shit IM ASLEEP!?
And now I want my keep
Get out of my way
I dont want to play
Where the dragon go
Tell it im on my way
My life was now ruined
Cause I felt like canoe
Down a deep dark hole
And every now and then Id hit a pole
Im down with this shit
I have to go
Lord please take me out of this pit
Im broken and bruised
Im misused and consumed
I want to go home
To my own little dome
Fighting this urge
To fight back with these feelings
In this last year
I've done more than enough
To know what could happen or possibly in cuffs
3 hospital visits im sad to say
But 5 visits to the devil could make the hospital look ok
Find your way home and finally come clean
Its the best thing to do if you know your a fein

ADDICTED:

Adrienne A.

My struggle of addiction started at age 12 with pain pills and alcohol, at 13 I was introduced to meth by a family friend, I continued till I was 15 and was pregnant with my first child, I stayed sober until I was 21, shortly after my second child I relapsed, I became sober and relapsed again at 23 after my 3rd child and added cocaine and alcohol, in april of 2016 I lost my place to live and sent my children to love with family, in may i moved in with a friend, aided her and my boyfriends relapse. After a fight we ended up homeless, he abandoned me on the streets in early August. Since then I have strove to be sober and get my children back, in November I moved to Montana and have done much better. I was an active addict for 13-14 years... Now I'm addicted to recovery and helping others recover. One second, hour, day at a time you can do it. I now chase the high OF LIFE.

What an impression

Gail L.

I have to be somewhat anonymous to protect my foster children. I have three totally awesome foster kids who are in the system due to meth. Almost every family member and family friend are so unreliable with phone calls and visits that it is absolutely heart breaking to my kids who think it's their fault that they don't stay in touch. What an impression they are making on the lives and heart of these kids who have no idea what meth is. To think that there is something bigger than a mother's love and the bond of family is so unfathomable to me. I try to teach these kids about not doing drugs not even once and at how powerful it is. I try to paint the images of dreams they have and how to get there by staying clean and staying focused in school. There is a part of me that can picture these kids in 20 years from now down the same path their family has taken and I cringe which makes me try to teach them even harder. What is the future for meth? Is there an end in sight??

For a long time

Lola P.

For a long time I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to change, because letting go of the sadness would mean I'd have to redefine myself. Sometimes I still feel like chasing the darkness, because I don't exactly know who I am without it. Sadly I made a home out of something I should have never let in.

Its a nightmare come true.. I've lost everything.

Cheyenne W.

I'm a 17 year old girl, i've been doing meth for 5 months. That's not long, but perfect example of it's destruction. Injecting every day.. it's scary to think that you have to inject chemicals and battery acid and products used to kill any living thing, pretty much.. into your blood stream. You do all that, just to feel temporarily happy.

Where has time gone? Next thing I know its been almost a year. I've lost about 60 pounds, i haven't talked to my family since a long time ago i think? I quit two jobs, which weirdly enough at my second job they said "We aren't going to drug test you baby, you look to sweet. Don't tell anyone! :)", i have a constant case meth mouth.. my lips are always cracking and bleeding, i trade everything i owned.. Wii, xbox, playstation, my moms grill? Gone. I love sleep. Lol jk whats sleep? Never heard of it. I don't sleep, im too busy playing with shadow people and talking to things that aren't even imagined yet. Trying to look decent? Forget it, how can you when you always have to be in an awkward position just to cover your swollen arms full of tracks upon tracks. Everything is not as important as driving away everyday to get meth! Forget a shower, who needs that.. Nobody else here takes one either. You're father will tell you that he wishes you weren't even born, he's broke because of you! You haven't achieved anything, how is he suppose to be proud. You were never daddys girl anyway, maybe if he would have loved you....., . You're grandma will walk up to you and ask "Tell me the truth, are you on meth? We know" NO! NO! You will walk into your boyfriends house & get into yet another fight because you haven't had any dope in a day and he'll spit in your face and leave bruises. Next thing you know your getting a frantic call from his mother saying he's not answering the phone, last thing he said was begging for someone to come sit with him ,he didn't want to be alone... come to find out he was just locked in the bathroom crying because of what he has became. I have to sit there, thinking... thinking about how much shit I make the only people who give a shit about the person i use to be & even the person i was through. This is all my fault.. i could've have said no. I could have gotten help, but wait.. i have more dope, i should probably do that while i wait for nothing. Night is the worst though, you're up hours upon hours in your on mind. Having an inner war with your own thoughts.. where is the person i use to be? Why can't i sense her anymore... it won't hurt anyone if i do a little more, i'm so high i don't even have a care in the world... Wheres my pipe.. i can stop anytime! That's the best part! God, that's the best part.......... Actually realizing, that you need to stop. You've lost everything including yourself, you'll never be truely happy again you lost the love of your life, you could have changed earlier, helped him. Helped yourself, ive tried. You're a fuck up, congratulations. Meth is your best friend, it just needs your soul.. and dignity. My poor mom has to suffer for my dad's actions now. Its a family disease. The whole family suffers from it. Where had my dad gone? He had died. But I have no body to bury. he can't kick his addiction alone and he's to prideful of what he does to get any help.

I miss you. to a brother & my mother.

Justice M.

So, my name is Justice & I'm from a little town called Poplar. My mom started using meth when my dad passed away... 13 days before my dad passed, my little brother Trint was born. Well, my mom slowly started to fade from us, i was 15 years old & she left me to raise & care for a 3 month old, 4 year old, 10 year old, & 12 year old. it was hard, trying to go to school & get the older kids to school & find someone to keep the baby. I managed to keep them fed & we had a home. Awhile after, my older brother started to use meth. nothing is the same for my family. He is always so mean & i'm constantly worrying about him. Its hard living in a small town where everyone is doing meth. I don't & will not ever use this drug. I've watched it tear my family apart & i'm tired of it! I've tried just about everything to make them realize what they're doing to our family but all they care about is their next high. So, i never see my brother anymore & i can't stand to see my mom. Its nothing but lies with my mom. I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth any more. she can lie to me with a straight face & walk away. It hurts but meth is everywhere now. I'd rather die than watch them hurt themselves & us any more. I don't know what to do any more.

I miss you. to a brother & my mother.

Justice M.

I wrote a song about the dangers of meth. When I was a little kid, my dad was a really big drug addict. I thought if I could make a song for it, it would change a lot of kids’ minds not to do drugs. This song was submitted for the 2010 Montana Paint the State contest.

METH AND MY FAMILY

Kallie B.

Meth has hurt my family and me when i was a little girl my mom did meth meth because she thought that it would take away the pain of not having her kids living with her. Me and my two younger sisters lived with our dad and she could not handle loosing us. well me and my baby sister came back to live with her but she still missed my sister who still lived with our dad. She still did it and there were times that me and my sister caught her doing it and she said it was nothing well i knew better. My uncle was one of the people who made meth. And he got busted and he lost ten years of his life right now he is on probation and he cant do anything that he would like to with me and my sisters and his daughters. well in 2006 my mom gave it up and decied that it was not worth it anymore because she had all three of her kids and she was ok now. I look back and relize what it did to me and my family i will never touch it. NOT EVEN ONCE!!!!!!!

my before and after pics

Tatiana M.

Dance Meth Down

Annie S.

Poem

Alysha R.

This poem is from my sister Lindsey who is in jail waiting to be sentenced for her repeated Meth use My name is Meth I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children and that's just the start I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold If you need me, remember I'm easily found I live all around you, in schools and in town I live with the rich, and I live with the poor I live down the street, maybe next door I'm made in a lab but not like you think I can be made under the kitchen sink In your child's closet, and even in the woods If this scares you to death, well it certainly should I'm sure you have heard of me my name is crystal meth My power is awesome, try me you'll see But if you do you'll never break free Just try me once, and I might let you go But try me twice and I'll own your soul When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie You'll do whatever you have to just to get high The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in the veins of your arms You'll lie to your Mom, and steal from your Dad When you see their tears, you should feel sad But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised I'll be your conscience, and I'll teach you my ways I take kids from parents, and parents from kids I turn people from God, and separate friends I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride I'll be with you always right by your side You'll give up everything your family your home Your friends your money then you'll be completely alone I'll take and I'll take until you have nothing more to give When I'm finished with you you'll be lucky to live If you try me be warned this is no game If given the chance I'll drive you insane I'll ravish your body I'll control your mind I'll own you completely your soul will be mine The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed The voices you'll hear from inside your head The sweats the shakes the visions you'll see I want to you to know these are gifts from me But then it's to late and you'll know in your heart That you are mine and we shall not part You'll regret you tried me they always do But you came to me NOT I to you You knew this would happen many times you were told But you challenged my powers you chose to be bold You could have said no and just walked away If you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master and you will be my slave I'll even go with you when you go to your grave Now that you have met me, what will you do Will you try me or not, it's all up to you I can bring you more misery than words can tell Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell

Lindsey Main 0510558, school of hard Knox Tarrant County Jail 2013

This was written by my sister Lindsey she has been a drug addict for 20 years!!! She was a beautiful bright young girl. This evil drug with the name of Meth stole my sister from me. This is her life in her words. Please make sure you can get this poem she wrote out, this is her living nightmare, she has lost her whole adult life to this drug. Lindsey started using drugs at the age of 13. She will be 33 on the 11th of August. Please let everyone know this is not just some poem, this is exactly what Meth does to you, it has destroyed her. Hopefully others can read this, and it will scare them away from ever wanting to try this evil, horrible drug. We have not given up on my sister Lindsey, but unfortunately this evil drug just may take her from us forever!! Thank you for allowing me to share this

Beautiful

Stephanie R.

my father

Casey M.

My dad is on meth. I don't know where he is right now or if he's even alive. I'm away at college right now in Kentucky. I desperately want to go back home and find him. My mom has been dealing with his struggle. He's always had addiction problems, but it was usually with OxyContin or some painkiller/anxiety medication. He's also recently had a problem with alcohol and pot. I thought for the most part he was okay though. Maintained a job and started to seem alright. Then my mom started calling me saying she thought my dad was becoming unstable. I'd just visited them over break and he'd seemed okay though. Paranoid, yes. But not crazy. Yeah, his behavior was sometimes chaotic and reckless, beyond disrespectful. But I'd always figured that was just him. He'd always had a big mouth and an attitude. My mom had to call the cops a few days ago because he got so bad. He'd just gotten fired. After, he started harassing his boss for money he owed him. Sent him over 50 texts and called him multiple times. Even his boss thought he was out of his mind because of his chaotic behavior at work. Laughing inappropriately, saying things that made no sense, doing everything wrong. My mom was becoming concerned because he began having insane paranoid episodes, thinking EVERYONE was against him and that he was being watched, he would watch TV and start babbling about conspiracies. He thought even me, his daughter, had turned on him. That everyone who’d always tried to protect him and help him was against him. My mother kept telling him to get help and he wouldn’t. He began acting violent and unpredictable. One night he came out of his room and started banging on the walls, hid in the bathroom yelling about ‘voices’. She tried to get in, he slammed her against the laundry room sliding door which popped out of the hinges. She called the police. They tried talking to him, but he was high and had a 12-pack of beer in him. She didn’t tell them to make him leave then. Instead she waited until the next day and got a restraining order, changed the locks. He’d left earlier that day, didn’t even return anyway. I’ve stayed in touch with one of the sheriffs. He’d said my dad had come in, no clue why though, must have been to explain himself for his behavior when they were called. They’d told him about the restraining order, so he hadn’t come back. Right now I’m trying to find out where he is. No one has heard from him or seen him. My mom went through his room and found some small bags that had white residue in them, along with a pipe and some straws that had been cut. I’d had no clue you could snort meth, but after some research online I found that you can. It would also explain all of his behavior. The paranoia, the erratic behavior, recklessness, desperation for money, twitchiness, sudden teeth/gum infections when he’d never had dental problems. His money always disappeared into thin air. He’d been pawning things as well. I reported to the police that he’s been using meth, after meeting him that night, they were concerned with his violent behavior. He’s yet to be served the official restraining order papers for the police aren’t able to serve those themselves. They merely told him. And since finding out about his mental state and meth addiction, they’ve been looking for him. But he’s nowhere to be found. I’ve been trying to track my father down, but it seems like no one has seen him. None of his friends will return my calls, probably because they’re involved somehow with the addiction. I’m bothered because I’m so far and can’t personally try to find him there. I want to go back and personally comb Bozeman for him. I’m worried about my dad. We’ve always been so close despite everything. He’s one of my best friends. I love him so much and all I want is to know he’s okay and get him help. He hasn’t even tried to contact me. I’m scared of what may happen to him or what he may do to himself.

diamond roses

Asia G.

Diamond Roses

It's like a diamond rose
and shimmering with curiosity you pick it up
you pick it up even as it hurts
even as you bleed
because the higher you bring it
the higher it brings you
and from up here you can see its beauty
sharp edges of dazzling clarity
so much more wonderful than you thought possible
you can't contemplate it
can't understand it
it's just so heavenly

but there's something wrong
it's heavy and painful
it's weight brings you back down
and it wasn't like this before
so you search for another
and try to lift it
this one is a bit bigger
and you can't lift it as high
as it digs deep
your cut hands bleed even more
but you don't mind
lovely red velvet
looks so warm and rich
dripping over these diamond petals
and so you carry it with you
where ever you go

and now people stare
but you're not surprised
who could ignore you?
bathed in the glimmering light
of your diamond rose
yet they aren't staring at you
the way you think they are
they see only your mangled hands
and from the distance you keep
to protect your diamond rose
the look more and more they look worried
because they know those hands
or at least they did
back when you were willing
to hold them dear
instead of your diamond rose

and by now
a long-time not-so-long-time later
sort of now
the petals are under your skin
they run clean through your hands
they make you shiver
they make you numb
but you keep on holding
your beloved bloody rose

now you are scared
they want to take your rose
but you can't let that happen
they tell you to let it go
but you can't
they tell you things will be alright
but they don't understand
how beautiful that rose is
how deep it runs in your veins

you're on your knees
holding your rose above you
and wishing you could be up there with it
but if you try you won't be able to lift it
you'll fall
rose and all
you can feel yourself
being forced down
down
down
down
the heavy burden
is sinking you into the black of earth
burying you alive
well almost alive anyway

they are reaching out to you now
as desperate as you are
but you can't see it
when your buried so deep
and so you sink
your torn hands
unable to pull you up
bleed intill there is nothing left
nothing but diamond roses
where there once was a you